So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
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