i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Randomize
