tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
We left an ass print on the piano.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Randomize
