Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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