I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Randomize
