I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
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