I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
