i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Randomize
