i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
