ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
