I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Randomize
