Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
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