Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
