I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
