after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Randomize
