so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
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