Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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