Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I need to calm my uterus...
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
