Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
