I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
