First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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