can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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