I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Randomize
