I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
