Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
i'm watching degrassi (go figure) and the episode is about jimmy not being able to get a boner and now he's famous and rapping about popping pussies..i dont get it.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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