As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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