Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
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