They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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