I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Randomize
