i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
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