My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
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