he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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