I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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