mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
