Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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