you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
