I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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