Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
