Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
Less talking, more tequila
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
