My underwear smells like fireworks.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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