So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
