I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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