I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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