Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
