I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
