He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
