but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
My bed smells like the plague
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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