Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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