I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Randomize
