i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
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