Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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