Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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