she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
