Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
So many bounce houses so little time
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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