We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
