You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
