When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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